My 4 wheeling adventure!

Some stories can only be told after the swelling has gone down...

So a friend of mine called a few weeks ago and asked if I wanted to go and ride four wheelers with him. Of course I said yes. How could I pass up a gold plated afternoon of fun?

Well as the day got closer I got a call that the four wheeler that had been designated for me to ride might have some engine troubles, but that they were working on it and they were pretty hopeful that it would be all right by the weeks end so we could go out Saturday.

On Friday I got a call that everything was fine and we were all set. Have a lunch, bring gloves and a jacket, and be outside at 7:30 were my instructions.

i was mostly ready at 7:30 and we were off. You might remember Clark from the Mountain Man Adventure. Well Clark was storing the trailer and was also kindly letting me use his spare four wheeler. Clark lives in an older part of town that 40 years ago was a rural area, and because of that his lot is quite large. I would guess its a couple of acres. He had all sorts of critters and cages; birds, dogs and turtles. The trailer was at the very back of the yard, and I was impressed with the skill it took to get out of the back corner. We found Clark getting the four wheelers ready in a shed.

That was when I was first introduced to my ride: It was an older model (Clark thinks it was manufactured sometime around 1992) 250cc. No one has really paid any attention to this beast in about 5 years. Clark told me how he worked on it to get it ready to ride. Then he told me about the spiders. Something about some sort of BLACK WIDOW NEST! But he was pretty sure he killed them when he got it running the other day and baked them all. Pretty sure. Oh by the way "I found some more webs this morning, but I'm sure you'll be all right," he says.

**Gulp**

Well, I'm a not a sissy or anything, but there's just something about black widows that rubs me wrong. I don't know if it's the fact that they kill their mate immediately after consummating their relationship, or if I just saw too many episodes of Batman as a little kid.

Maybe its 'cause THEY'RE FREAKING POISONOUS! I know its irrational to be a little scared about black widows. They weigh maybe a gram. I'm pretty close to an even 100 Kilograms - literally 100,000 times bigger than they are, but they just give me the willies!

So back to the story. The first thing I'm told about my new steed is that its a kick start. In my mind I'm thinking "really? I thought that went away when cars lost their cranks."

Now for some reason we got sidetracked onto Clark's four wheeler. There is a well known story in his family about how he tried to ride it up suicide hill. Well the hill is super steep and something in his cooler shifted as he was riding up, and it caused the whole thing to roll backwards end over end, and only the intervention of divine providence saved Clark from getting squished during the first revolution as the four wheeler rolled down the hill. The best description I've heard of the four wheeler post roll is "rounded." The winch was lost, the handlers bars bent into some crazy angle and pieces littering the length of the hill. The back axle is still bent, and when you follow him you can see the tires moving in and out.

Ok, that primes the pump for the next part. Clark points to the four wheeler I'm to ride and proudly tells me how he replaced some of the fenders a while back. hmmm... why would he have to replace those? Just a question I ask myself.

Clark hops on my ride and starts to give me a tour of the controls. Fuel shutoff valve here. Key here. Engine cutoff switch, high/low beams, and the choke. The choke I'm told is very touchy, but the engine will run fine once it is set correctly. then the clutch, and the gear shifter. 1 is down, 4 up. The gear pointer is straight up when its in neutral. Then he flips out the kick start and begins to start it. Kick, Kick, Kick, and it never starts. Well he decides to choke it up and try again. After a few more savage kicks it begins to do a little put put after ever second or third kick, and finally he catches it by hitting the gas on one of these little put puts, and the engine begins screaming wwwaaaaa, but as soon as he lets off the gas it dies. Clark assures me it will run fine once it gets warm. He starts it up after a few kicks and then races to the end of the street and back. This constitutes "warming it up" and he rides it onto the trailer, where it promptly dies after he gets off. Then he rides his four wheeler on the trailer and its time to strap everything down. My friend finds an extra set of tie down straps in his Tahoe, and Clark digs up a pair of old faded tie down straps out of his shed. On closer inspection it looks to me like they are starting to dry rot as nylon will do if its left in the sun.

Well, now its off to my friend's house to pick up his four wheeler. Clark built this little platform in my friend's garage. The hood of his car fits under it, and the four wheeler rests on top. One more stop to get the last guy in our little party and we're off.

We ended up in the mountains above Pahrump. We parked across the street from a fire station and began unloading. So I think back to my little lesson. Fuel valve open, key here, engine switch on, transmission in neutral. Everything's set! I flip out the kick start and after a few swings it comes to life.

Now there is no power that could convince me that riding this thing backwards out of the trailer is a good idea, so I decided to let someone else take care of it for me. Clark assures me it will be fine to just roll it off, so that's what I decide to do. I don't want the thing to roll all the way to Pahrump, so I figured I would walk behind it so I could steer it and grab the brake.

Well I take my first step onto the ramp and of course I just now notice that the center of the ramp has mesh grating for people to step on. Both sides just have angle iron welded to the frame of the ramp at wide intervals. I notice this as I am falling through. I have the presence of mind to think about the way I am falling, and I decided if I turn myself to land on my back my face will probably not get shredded, and I will be less likely to break my leg. I am able to do this and I slide down the angle iron ramp on my back.

So I am lying on my back at the end of the ramp cursing myself for not even being able to get on the damn bike before i hurt myself. I jump up and My right leg is killing me. Mostly my shin and my ankle, and I try to walk it off. I'm all right, but my ankle and lower leg are pretty tender.

Of course my four wheeler rolled a considerable distance while I was trying to break my leg, and the engine is dead. I get it going and ride back up to the group. I get my gear on. Clark also had an extra helmet, and my friend gives me a pair of riding gloves and a pair of goggles.

The other guys are all riding these monster 4X4 jobs with winches and cargo racks, and are strapping their bags down. Not to be out done I cinch the straps on my backpack down tight!

Now its time to go. I start kicking the starter, and after a few tries my foot slips off the peg and the starter arm smashes into my very tender shin! OUCH! after a few uttered oaths I get at it again. well, now the machine doesn't want to start at all. I remember about the choke, so I try to adjust it down a little. Still nothing. Another adjustment. Still no start. Well Clark is getting a little impatient with me, and decides to hack at it. He can't get it to start either and begins to slowly adjust the choke just as I had been. Finally he gets it to start. He's holding the gas with one thumb and gets me to climb on. During the thumb exchange it dies again. He gets back on and starts kicking like hell to get this thing running. After he gets it going I'm told in no uncertain terms not to touch the choke!

I get on the thing and the motor is still going and slip it into gear without killing it. My friend takes this as a sign to go and he and another fellow we were riding with hit the gas and are quickly out of sight. I'm not as sure of my riding skill and kind of putter along at a slower pace while I try to get the hang of this thing. I think I even got it up to third gear a few times, but as the trail got rockier I slowed down.

Of course I had a lot on my mind. Killer spiders that want to bite me on the ass, a bum ankle, a shin that still hurts from getting smacked by the starter, and I was trying hard not to fall off, or wreck. And most importantly: Don't let the motor die!

After we got into the rocks the dust died down and I was unable to see how far ahead the others were, but Clark and I were just taking our time. It was actually a pretty cool ride through a forest of Joshua trees, and I started feeling ok to look at the scenery as I rode.

The other guys eventually found a place to wait for us and we took a little break. A few stories and another telling of how Clark almost got killed on his four wheeler.

When it was time to go again I couldn't get my four wheeler started. I kicked and kicked, and the starter slipped twice smacking my shin! I think Clark's leg was tired from earlier when he was trying to get it started, and he came up with a new way of getting it started. Instead of kicking we would try a "rolling start." He pulled out a 50 ft length of rope and tied it onto my four wheeler. The other end got tied to his, and he started taking up the slack. I was supposed to put the four wheeler into gear, grab the clutch, and after I got a little speed let out the clutch, let the engine start, grab the clutch again and hit the gas to keep the motor running. I'll be honest I was a little worried when he was standing in front of me with my engine screaming and he was trying to untie the knot. Then he got the knot out and started rolling the rope into one of those beautiful coils you see in scout hand books. I was like "hey lets go I'm not sure how long this thing will stay running!"

My friend got bored with all of this and took off again. I was placed in the lead of the three of us so I could set the pace, and we were off. I was gaining more confidence in my riding, and I felt a little peer pressure to perform better, so I was starting to push myself. I was going around corners faster than before, and I was starting to get a rhythm on the big bumps. just as I got to the bottom of a dip, I would hit the gas really hard and the ride seemed to improve. I was also noticing how beautiful the weather was: cool probably in the high 60s and bright blue Nevada skies. I was actually wishing I had brought my little point and shoot camera. At the last minute I decided to leave my DSLR in the truck in case I fell or crashed I wouldn't destroy my brand new camera.

As I came around another corner I almost ran into my friend. He had started to wonder what happened to us and was coming back. My first instinct was to find the brakes and not wreck. Of course the dang motor quit! Ugh! My friend did an 8 point turn to face the right way up the trail. I got into my kick start routine: Kick, Kick, Kick, slip, whack my shin, curse repeat. This time I also got a new one thrown in too. On my last kick the starter arm didn't move and I painfully twisted my ankle. Ouch again!

Since my friend was in front of me he got starter duty and we decided to try a short strap he had in one of the little storage pockets. It worked great, and he only had to reach back and unhook me and we could take off.

We made it to the end of the draw we were riding up and now we were in real trees and snow. Also a fun little creek to ride through. There was a little family that had ridden up there and they were having a little picnic. we decided to eat our lunch here too. We all tried to go up as far as we could, but I got stuck pretty quick in the snow, and Clark didn't make it much farther that I did. His tires dug pretty deep ruts, and eventually dug themselves into a hole. The other two guys were on much nicer rides, and could just slip into four wheel drive and power their way through with their nice wide tires. When it was time to go after I did the Kick, Kick, smack, curse routine once Clark suggested I just try and roll down the hill and start that way.

It worked!

On the way back down the hill I was really getting into the ride. I was racing down, no brakes, and hard on the gas whenever I could. I was doing a pretty good job of keeping up with the guy ahead of me. As we were twisting back and forth through the rocks I would come around the turn just as he made it around the next one.

I don't think he knew I was that close, and as I came up a rise he was just stopping, getting ready to lead us down another trail so we could go up the next wash. I had hardly any warning that he was there and I was sure I was going to hit and kill him. I couldn't get my hand onto the brake fast enough and I turned down the next trail narrowly missing him. I bounced out of control down the trail, sure I was going to be bucked off at any second, when I finally got things back under control and stopped. A minute or two later and the others caught up to us.

Clark yelled at me for not stopping back up the trail where I could roll start myself, and I was too exasperated to argue that my main priority was not to kill someone. I gave my patented Kick, Kick, smack, curse routine once and then my friend gave me a little tow start and we were all good.

We started going up and down some long fairly steep hills. I know my friend is a little nervous going up hills, which contrasts well with me being a little cautious going down them. He was also riding an automatic, and I felt I had the upper hand with the manual tranny because I could shift down before the motor started to lug, so we stayed together pretty good, because I would make up the ground he gained on the down hill as we went up the next hill.

When we made it up to the next draw the two guys on the big four wheelers tried to go through a big snowdrift across the trail. It was warm and sunny and the snow was very wet and heavy. One guy got stuck and had to be winched out. I knew I wouldn't make it and stayed out of the thickest part of the snow.

The group got separated again on the way down. I thought I saw fresh tracks going up a side trail, and Clark went to investigate. When he came back he thought it was just a motorcycle and took off. We were on a flat part of the trail and I couldn't use my roll start technique. There was no one to give me a tow start, so I got the kick start again. I got smacked in the shin a few more times before the dang thing would start. I started thinking about this song by Warren Zevon:

I'm thirty-five and I haven't traveled far and I've spent all my money on this misbegotten car
I'm up against it all like a leaf against the wind and my Studebaker keeps on breaking down again
I thought I'd go to Fresno just to see my friend but my damn Studebaker keeps on breaking down again
I was speeding south on ninety-nine when the manifold started smokin'
I ran her off the shoulder and now the axle's broken
It made a sound that cracked my heart in half and with only half a half pint of vodka left
My Studebaker keeps on breaking down again

I didn't have any Vodka, but I was about ready to take up the bottle!

I rode quite a while by myself and I was trying to decide if I could find my way back to the truck. The alternative was a road that someone had pointed out earlier as the road they would drive the truck up if one of us broke down. I figured it shouldn't be to hard to find my way back to Pahrump if I went down that road. My leg was really sore after getting whacked by that stupid starter all afternoon, and I was thinking of people I know in Pahrump. I work with three guys that live out there, as well as a girl I drove to early morning seminary every morning for two years. I was sure I could convince one of them to drive me back to Vegas if it came to that.

When I came to the fork I saw someone on top of the fork that I hoped would lead me to Pahrump. I rode to the top of the hill to find the other guys waiting for me. There was n SUV parked up there too and they were chatting with the guy. I killed my bike, when I let off the gas. This was the sign to the others that it was time to go. they all took off again and I was left on top of a plateau.

Well, I decided I needed a break too and I started chatting with the guy. It was pretty clear to me that he was a ham. He had a high gain fiberglass antenna and a yagi antenna on tripods and several radios in the cargo area of his SUV. he was running a digipeater and doing voice comms for the Baker to Vegas race that was going on down on the highway. He got a call on his radio and I decided I better be off too. Up here I could see Pahrump, so I felt pretty secure I could get back to civilization on my own if I had too. I was on flt ground again, but I decided to try running/pushing the four wheeler to get my rolling start. It was pretty tricky to run, then hop on the bike, shift into gear and let out the clutch. I went probably a hundred yards running and hopping before I finally got it. I took off, and eventually I found the group again. I just kind of rode around in circles until someone pointed down which trail to go. The trail was more of a wide dirt road now, and as we went up a long hill everyone shot past me up the hill. I couldn't see through all the dust, so I slowed down and reached to pull my goggles down. Well, they slipped off my helmet and I was going to just leave them, but my friend who lent them to me would be mad, and they were fancy Oakley brand goggles that I knew had to be expensive.

When I got to the top of the hill I stopped and walked back down the hill until I found them. I was getting pretty tired of this nonsense with starting the bike, and decided that unless we were finished I was riding into town and I was going to find some other way home.

It was pretty clear as we got closer to Pahrump that we were pretty much done. The guy who had been kind of leading us wanted to visit his Dad, and gave us basic instructions on how to get back to the cars.

It was clear that my friend and Clark didn't really understand his directions and we wandered around a bit while they tried to get their bearings. This was a real pain for me, because we would stop at every stop sign and they would look around confused and then cross the road. Each time we stopped my four wheeler's motor did too, and I would have to push it to face down the street we were trying to cross, start it and then catch back up to the others. We eventually got somewhere were the land was flat in all directions and my friend gave me a tow start. I couldn't get the Mother Lovin' motor to stay on, so I just threw up my hands and he towed me most of the rest of the way back. Finally when we were crossing a street the strap broke, but I was able to roll start it down a hill and we were close enough that I rode it the rest of the way back.

I rode it straight into the trailer. I was very nervous about this, as it seemed like an invitation for trouble, but up I went. I was thinkingI had ridden UP enough that the front should be leveling out, but it wasn't. I let off the gas a little and the front tires came crashing down onto the deck of the trailer! I had ridden the wheelie quite a ways into the trailer and my friend later told me he thought I might tip over backwards!

The trip back home was uneventful, and I just wanted to mention unloading at my friend's house. We lowered the ramp and we climbed up into the trailer. For whatever reason my friend stopped on the ramp, and turned round. He forgot where he was and fell through the ramp! At least I wasn't the only one, but he mostly just fell straight down and sideways grabbed at me, so he didn't get to slide down the ramp, but I think he got a little taste of my fun earlier!

We got his four wheeler out and I helped him set the ramps up to ride up to the platform in his garage. He hoped on in the strangest pose I've ever seen someone do. He kind of layed on the seat. with one leg down how you would normally ride and one leg on the cargo rack on the back. well as he rode up his head barely cleared the cieling, and his laying down was more like standing up!

Well that was that adventure. My leg was sore and swollen for about 10 days. I still have a few bruises and sore spots on my legs, but everything is much better now. I kinda of want to go again, just on a different four wheeler! TTYL!